Answer the phone
by CarolineD
Summary: Logan's answering machine. Add Dick. Not a good match. Humor. Rated for occasional swearing, AU-ish, post-series. Crack-ish fic. REVISED JULY 31.


Answer the phone

Answer the phone

By Caroliine

A/N: Just this one last one-shot before I go back to the hell without internet that has been my life for the last four months. Yes, I am drowning in self-pity. I read a fanfic the same like this and I tried to ask the author whether or not I could borrow it and adjust it for the fantastic VERONICA MARS, but I don't seem to get an email back. Which annoys me extremely much because I can only write and post once every four months. See my problem here, people? Anyway.

Logan Echolls, Dick Casablancas. Here's how it's gonna go down: they're actors and Logan is engaged to someone else. Just because I DO NOT FEEL LIKE LOVE today. I'm a bit tired of all those clichéd Logan saviour kind of fics around.

**ANSWER THE PHONE**

"Hey, it's Logan. I'm not home right now, so please leave a message and I'll get back to you. Thanks."

**Beep!**

"Hey Logan, it's me, Dick. Damn fucker, you've got to work on a new answering machine thingy! '_I'm not home right now so please leave a message_?' and then saying 'thank you' at the end? Come on! You have to be more assertive. Don't just go pleading for their message, demand them to leave one! Demand them to leave a name and a number! Better yet: make _them_ call _you_ back? Why should _you_ waste your precious time by dialling _their_ number and waiting for _them_ to answer the phone?

Anyways, call me back. Yeah. I know it sounds hypocritical, but it's an emergency. I mean it's really important. See ya!"  
**  
Beep!**

"Logan here. Just leave a fucking message! Or better yet, call me back later! I don't need your damn message and chances are I won't call you back anyway. Okay, so thanks. Wait – why should I thank you? What if you're just wasting my time? Then I should really be thanking you? What the hell?

Oh, and Dick. Stop calling me and claiming there's some kind of emergency. So what if you couldn't find that stupid Dick action figure at Toys'R'Us. I found Logan there and apparently they're been selling like hotcakes!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Did that sound assertive enough Dick?"

**Beep!**

"Yeah, it's Dick. Logan… Logan… Logan… I said to be assertive not pissed off like that, fuckhead. You sound like Veronica during that time of the month. Just try to be nice. And it was an emergency! Do you know what it's like not seeing your beloved action figure on the shelves? Feeling like a failure because just when you finally get your own toy they snatch it away from you just like that? Oh, the shame! The horror!

Anyways, it turns out that the reason Dickie wasn't there was because they were sold out! SOLD OUT! Ya hear that? So HA! By the way, I bought a Logan action figure. It's so cute."

**Beep!**

"Hi! I'm so glad you took the time out to call me. I apologize for not being able to answer your phone call. I'm sure it was very important, unless of course you're Dick Casablancas who leaves nothing but retarded messages. But still, your call is important to me and you're important to me. So leave a message. Thank you ever so much. By the way, this is Logan. You know, just in case you've dialled the wrong number. But even if you did, feel free to leave me a message as well."

**Beep!**

"I'm not even going to comment on that… wait, I am going to comment. YOU PANSY! That practically shouted strawberry-shortcake-y-ness! As in strawberry short cake being all sweet and sugar-coated… just in case you didn't get that. And I do not leave retarded messages!

I finally found a Dick action figure that's managed to escape the hands of my many, MANY fans. I must say it almost looks as handsome as I do in the movie."

**Beep!**

_Random hardrock music is heard._

"How's that for unshort cakeyness, Dick?"

**Beep!**

_Incoherent groans._

"Hey, Dick Casablancas here, the attractive man that plays James in, oh, THE MOVIE of the CENTURY, people! You probably think you've got the wrong number now, but really, this is Logan Echolls's number. I just thought I'd do the little answering-machine-greeting-thingamajig for him, seeing how he's failed miserably with it in the past."

"Hi Dick, wat'cha doing?"

"No-nothing." _Panicked shuffling heard._

"You're messing with my answering machine aren't you?"

"Wha-what? I'd- I'd never do that, Logan. What happened to trust, man? It's not my fault the shit you leave on your answering machine sucks!"

"Why you little –"

_Insert the sound of scuffling, punches thrown and random hair pulling here, although you can't really hear the latter._

**Beep!**** Incoming call. Call missed. New message.**

"Logan, my little honeycakes, it's Parker. Are you okay sweetheart? Are you having any problems? I'm rather worried right now. I think you've been away from home much too long, so call me back! I love you!"

"Ha! Ha! Ha! '_Ooooh my little sweet Looogaaan.. _I'm so worried about my precious little honeycakes..'"

"Fuck off!"

"Make me! Or do you need your fiancée to leave you another message first?"

"Leave my fiancée alone! It's not my fault yours is so fat that when she sits on a rainbow skittles come out!"

"Well, yo fiancées so fat that when she stepped on a scale it said 'to be continued'!"

"Wait… what's that? DICK, you idiot! The answering machine is recording this entire thing!"

"Crap…"

**Beep! Incoming call.**

"Uh… Logan? Dick? Are you guys okay? …"

"Dick, what happened to us, man? We were the best of friends and now this? We've been fighting so much lately about some stupid answering machine."

"I'm so sorry, Logan. I didn't mean to give you all that crap. You're not a pansy! I'm sorry for calling you that. Pansies aren't bad anyway. They're very, very beautiful little flowers."

"Oh Dick, I'm sorry too! I'm sorry for taking this whole thing way too seriously. And I didn't mean to call you an arrogant bastard who's obsessed with himself and thinks he's God's gift to women."

"… You never called me that."

"Oh yeah. That's what I called you behind your back. Never mind. Anyway, Dick, you're like the best friend I've ever had, except for Duncan but he's out of the country so who cares about him right?, you know, like the big brother I never had. I did have a big sister though, haven't heard from her in a while. But anyway; I know you were only looking out for me."

"Aww.. You're my best friend too!"

_Insert sniffling, much hugging, even though you really can't heart the latter again._

"Uh – guys? Veronica here. Still. You know what, never mind. I'll call you back or something."

**Beep!**

"Leave a message."

**Beep!**

"Logan, I think you finally got the answering machine message down now…"

**THE END.**

_Alright, so the best way to describe this is as a crack!fic. Written solely for my amusement, your amusement, it can be viewed as funny, a (semi) parody, or rubbish. I was bored. Veronica Mars was my outlet. Deal with it, and move on._

I understand it can get confusing, but eh.. it's not supposed to make sense, so a little "What the hell's going on?" now and then won't hurt.

_**July 31th 2008**__**: REVISED. I posted this without much ado, straight from MS WORD. I finally got around to revising it – yes, shame on me for posting it without rereading, yadda.. – and I hope you'll read it again and like it better now!**_

Push the button, baby.


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